You don’t have to suffer to be worthy. You are already enough.
Trigger warning: reference to suicide and suicidal ideation
Starting at around age nine, I began struggling with crippling guilt. I believed every mistake I made deserved to be punished, by others, by myself, and by the Universe. I beat myself up with my words, insisting that I was a horrible person. At nine years old, I began my journey with suicidal ideation. I believed that I didn’t deserve to live because of my mistakes and sought solace in sweet, peaceful death. Mind you, I was only nine- and the mistakes were simply the normal stumbles all children experience growing up. Still, I fell back on death as my only comfort, stumbling into depression all alone, and as a scared child.
I ponder where this belief about worthiness originated, and my mind leads me to begin at the Christian church I was raised in. This is not to say that the Christian faith is bad or the source of my suffering, quite the opposite. Faith does incredible things for those called to it, and I believe we all explore faith in different ways and find different mediums of faith that help us make sense of the world and live a more passionate life. Some messages from my particular church did impact my belief system surrounding mistakes and guilt, however. Being told that I would go to hell for not believing in what they told me, that loving certain genders make you pay the price by spending eternity burning in hell, and that not publicly displaying your devotion damns you to hell regardless of your heart’s beliefs- all compiled to my brain’s wiring tendencies that I am bad, I am unworthy of forgiveness, and I must suffer forever in order to pay.
Over time, these beliefs persisted and festered, growing stronger as I grew older and naturally made more mistakes. I know that I am a good person, logically, but sometimes I am unable to believe it. Some days, my guilt lives so deep within me that I forget it’s there, except when reminders of my mistakes show up in my life, which then causes my guilt to rise to the surface like a buoy in the vast ocean of my emotions. Other days, my guilt lives right under the surface, showing off to the world outside of me, like a deep, painful pimple right in the center of my forehead.
Why can’t I release these emotions and move on?
- The weight of guilt: invisible or not
For some of us, we learned that being open with our emotions is a sign of weakness. It is NOT, but I am right there with you in having this belief instilled in me from a young age. Because of this, some of us suffer from our guilt solely on the inside, hiding all visible signs from those close to us because of the amount of shame surrounding our mistakes.
For those of us who suffer from this invisible pain, this burden can be like carrying an 80 pound block of cement on our chest every single day. It doesn’t even matter what the mistake was, it matters who we believe we are because of it. Our invisible pain can lead to self-condemnation, self-hatred, self-isolation, suicidal thoughts or ideation, and even self-harm. These are all forms of self-harm and they can translate from our beliefs to our thoughts, actions, behaviors, and future mistakes. This kind of pain is unbearable because it feels like we can’t share it or receive support from anyone. We feel like this is our mess and we must face it alone. Well, we don’t, and help is available.
After realizing the invisible weight of guilt itself, I encountered the peak of my hard work.
I had to acknowledge the ways I had always been punishing myself without awareness of it.
- Self punishment as self-imprisonment
It is easy and natural in the world we’ve been raised to believe that punishment is necessary in order to be good and worthy again. If you grew up under a religious doctrine, like me, this belief could be deeply ingrained in you and begging to be healed. Even if not, we could have learned from our parents, friends, or other relatives that punishment is the only way to redeem ourselves after a mistake.
However, I have learned through my own experience that punishment does not help, it actually makes the entire situation worse. It’s like pouring salt on a deep, open wound. It does nothing but cause more pain. When a child makes a mistake, punishment exists in an attempt to show the child the flaw in their choice. Somewhere along the way, punishment went from intending to help teach the child an important life lesson, to causing suffering in the child. Punishment does serve an important purpose, but it is to ensure that we learn about who we are, how we want to show up, and to ensure that we CAN try again. Punishment in the form of suffering only contributes to the pain we are feeling and keeps us hindered from growing, like an infection in the wound. This form of punishment teaches us that when we mess up, we deserve to be hurt, which only enforces our fear of making mistakes. The whole point of this life is to learn through trial and error, and crippling fear around this purpose serves us negatively and negatively impacts the entire energy of the world.
One day, the paralyzing weight of my guilt made me burn out of exhaustion. I finally realized, my suffering does not and will not wipe my slate clean. The only way to recover my worth is to change my beliefs. It took me 22 years, but I finally realized that punishment and suffering don’t give us the redemption we seek. They don’t make us worthy again.
It is through learning, healing, and growing that we find true redemption.
- What authentic healing from guilt looks like
Acknowledging that our mistakes never just disappear was my first step towards healing from my crushing guilt. I had it in my head that the right amount of suffering would erase what had happened and I would never have to ruminate or remember it again. This is simply not the case. We are not our past or our mistakes, but this doesn’t mean they are just gone and forgotten for the rest of our lives. What my brain could not grasp is that this is not a bad thing!
Guilt is a guide:
Guilt is a sign that we are discovering who we are and who we want to be. Learning our lesson is the key to true redemption. Showing up differently in the future and understanding that this lesson showed you a vital piece of information that you will now always carry with you, proves that you are absolutely deserving of forgiveness, especially from yourself. The Universe doesn’t intend to punish us, it just follows our soul’s plan for our evolution.
Appreciating our guilt:
Along with learning from our mistakes, instead of beating ourselves up when we think about them, we can remember them with grace and gratitude. We can thank the version of ourselves that endured this mistake for our soul’s evolution, often enduring this painful experience all alone. We can appreciate our strength and the lesson for what it taught us and what it showed about our character. Our guilt and our mistakes show us who we were versus who we are now, therefore showing our growth, our progression, our humanness. Most importantly, we can thank our guilt for illuminating how much we genuinely care. By feeling guilt, we clearly care SO much about ourselves, our life, our impact on this world, our impact on others. This is so pure and genuine, and deserves our appreciation. We may have messed up, but our conscience is telling us that we are good people and we deserve forgiveness. We care enough to change our ways, meaning we have learned the lesson intended for us.
Some effective practices for self-forgiveness are:
Speak kindly to ourselves. If we hear the negative, bullying voice in our head telling us we will never recover and never be forgiven, simply cut off the thought with silence. Discard the thought as if we were swiping left on someone we have absolutely no interest in on a dating app. Say, “Now that’s just untrue and I don’t accept that.”
Remember that guilt is a guide, not a feeling to drown in. When guilt gets too intense, we can remind ourselves that guilt is showing us a lesson to be learned, and that that is exactly what we came to this Earth to do- learn lessons.
Choose life, even when we don’t feel we deserve it. We do deserve it. We all deserve life, as given to us the moment we were born. Choose mercy, even if that means just verbally saying we choose life and choose mercy. Truly believing it isn’t necessary because simply speaking the words does wonders for our subconscious mind, and plants seeds for our beliefs to actually change over time.
Time is needed for a change like this, especially one that has been deeply ingrained in us from childhood. We need to be patient with ourselves, knowing that something this deep likely won’t change overnight. I like to treat this belief like a plant: consistently watering it with kinder words, giving it sunlight with activities that I love and that make me happy, and cheering on its growth, knowing that we are much like this plant, ever growing and evolving.
4. Things you can tell yourself when you are struggling
- I am allowed to grieve my mistakes without punishing myself.
- Every single person on this Earth has made mistakes. It is completely normal to feel guilt, and it doesn’t have to consume me.
- Changing deeply ingrained beliefs seems daunting, but is completely possible, and something that people do a little bit each day. No one is unable to change their beliefs, and I can rewire my brain to help me heal from guilt. I am completely capable of this.
- I don’t have to die or disappear to make things right. I can live differently and integrate my lesson, this is perfectly enough.
- Further hurting myself and causing pain will not make my current pain disappear.
- I have been forgiven- more than I even realize. I can learn to forgive myself, one breath, one thought, and one day at a time.
- I am worthy of mercy, even when I feel broken.
- I am allowed to choose mercy instead of punishment.
- I am allowed to start over, to start fresh. I give myself permission to wipe my slate clean, while still remembering and appreciating all that has taken place to get me here right now.
5. A call to action for those suffering
If you are experiencing any of the emotions I have touched on in this post, please know, you are not alone. It feels like you are all alone, you are not.
Please know that you do not have to live in the prison and under the chains you have placed on yourself anymore.
Please know that everyone makes mistakes and does things we are ashamed of and this is a completely real and normal experience. No one, not even the most kind and wise person, is perfect. We are not supposed to be perfect.
Please know that whenever this burden becomes too much, whenever you decide you want to begin forgiving yourself, you do not need permission to do so. Your life is beautiful, mistakes and all, and you are the one that can give yourself permission to let this guilt go and accept the lesson instead.
Please know that you do have the power to break the cycle of guilt you are in right now.
Please know that there are resources for you if you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, ideation, or actions.
If you or someone you know are suffering from thoughts of suicide, please call 988. This hotline is available 24/7.
Listed below is a Mercy Letter that can be written or altered for your journey:
Dear (Your name),
I see you and I hear you.
I see how long you have carried this burden, and I’m so sorry that you had to carry it alone. You don’t have to carry it alone any longer, I am here with you.
For so long, you believed you had to beat yourself up to regain worthiness,
You believed you were too far gone for forgiveness.
You believed you had to disappear to wipe your slate clean.
I hear you, but you were never meant to live in this prison.
You are not a bad person, you are not bad.
You are not beyond redemption.
You are a human being, one who has carried the unbearable weight of unrealistic expectations for yourself for far too long.
You have suffered more than enough, and it is time to let go of this punishment.
I appreciate your guilt for showing how much you care, but I will not let this pain go on any longer.
You are allowed to move on and live your life.
You are allowed forgiveness.
The Universe is not making you pay through your continued suffering.
You do not owe the Universe your suffering.
You owe the Universe your healing.
Through your healing, you are helping every single person in this world.
You are setting an example through your healing, that you can start fresh and be forgiven by all.
When guilt whispers that you are too broken to be loved, remember:
Your brokenness has always been the doorway to your becoming.
When condemnation roars that you deserve to be destroyed, remember:
Mercy is louder. Mercy is stronger. Mercy is your birthright.
When despair tells you it would be better if you disappeared, remember:
The world needs the version of you who has survived, who has learned, who has risen.
My sweet child,
I forgive you. I love you. I believe in you.
With love,
Your truest self
Overall, healing from guilt is not only absolutely possible, but can also be the greatest gift we give to ourselves. It is a beautiful thing to walk with our lessons without being crushed by our shame and guilt. Each time we consciously choose mercy and forgiveness builds more self-compassion, self-acceptance, strength, and wisdom, which ultimately benefits the entire world. Our acts of healing and bravery are what keep the world rotating and are vital for humanity.
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